Lets play catch up

Ok so time to play catch up.....

This year has a mixed review:

January-April

yup it wasnt much of a dramatic start to the year. i caused a bit of drama towards the end, which was not all the other partys fault. I did something i was not proud of. I was very very selfish and all that has come out of it are ok some fond memories, but a strained friendship which is something i never wanted. Hopefully i can get us back on track :)

April-June

So, although i can't believe it sometimes, i was involved in an affair, with someone i love dearly but like i said it costed us a lot. Exams came along, which i did not too bad in, he went away for the suimmer and i concentrated on getting prepared for my greatest adventure so far.

Drama also sprung up with my friends. The news came out of an affair between two of my friends. One of which was due to be married in July. Many people fell out with the guy in question although all the girl got was a month in the corner to "think about what she did" and her facebook status changed from "engaged to" to "in a relationship with". Wheres the sense in that?

June-August

Yup i went to Trinidad. For pretty much the wholoe summer... with the Dundee University Rainforest Conservation Expedition. Best experience of my life. I saw some amazing animals and made some even more amazing friends. I've help hummingbirds in my hand, seen monkeys throwing coconuts at my friends head, travelled at high speed through mangrove swamps on a motorboat, watched baby Leatherback turtles hatch and phoned my parents from the middle of the rainforest.

Greyish Saltator-nasty bugger bit me :(



Yellow Oriole

Las Cuevas beach

Baby leatherback turtles :)

Me standing in Arena forest

hmmm maybe i should do a whole blog on trinidad at some point.i can talk for hours about it :P

so yeah i came back from Tobago after a weeks holiday on the way home from Trinidad and everything was pretty much as i left it was when i left

September-October

So i turned 20....scary stuff...me being an adult. Did some more rather silly things-like having a casual romance with a serial womaniser i knew back in high school. Its funny because i thought 4 years of university and you know starting areal job as a teacher would have changed him and that he might have grown up a bit but no. he's exactly the same as he was back in 6th year, when i utterly adored him. I was a 4th year at the time. But as nice it was to have him exactly the same as i remembered him when we were really good friends...it wanst cool since i had changed so much. And i also made the monumental mistake of believing if i stayed around long enough he actually might develop some genuine feelings for me. That ended after about 3 weeks lol.

Also developments in uni-started 2nd year. Tough but enjoyable. Hated genetics though.

Hallowe'en was an interesting time this year. As usual the gang all got together up in Kirkton of Auchterhouse for our usual night of madness. I was dressed as Cleopatra :) also attending the party: Arthur Dent, Freddy Krueger, Scorpion from Mortal Combat, a dead knight, a witch, Dorothy from the wizard of Oz and a...thing with a crystal skull...

So yeah i feel bad for admitting to being glad about this but 2 of my friends ended their relationship the next day. He had been unhappy for a while. She's a nice enough girl but she's all about the drama and she's very high maintainance, not to mention she cheated on him with his best friend...anyhoo it had been going downhill for about a year or so and we could all see how unhappy he was. He's totally changed now though. he's so happy its nice to see :)

November-December

Not much has happened in the last month and a half- iv been so busy stressing about exams. I did have enough time to make one very big boo boo.

One of my best friends is a guy iv been close to for pretty much the past 3 years and truth be told i've fancied him for just as much time. We've always flirted a bit and its been pretty harmless until we decided to play poker...that then decended into strip poker. Since then the flirting has been a bit more serious i guess, and we always just came out with stuff like "oh its just the way we are with each other" which is no real excuse i guess. He splitted up with his girlfriend and was a bit lonely i guess and iv been feeling lonely for a while and we hung out one night and as they always say-one thing lead to another.

I wouldn't have done it if i hadn't had such strong feelings for him and i soon found out that he felt bad about it and considered me as a sister figure and didn't think of me in the sense that we could have a relationship.damnit. so yeah now i feel like a little bit of a muppet.

argh iv had enough drama for one year...there.thats it-the dramatic moments of the year so far

i'll think of something more substantial to write for my next blog rather than ranting about my dramas.

bye for now x

Technology

Well my laptop is surely rejoicing in its own special way.

When i first got it i thought it was aweosme. i mean i had my own computer. It didn't have the internet but i could still. I had a boyfriend back then with wireless internet so when i spent my weekends at his i could use the internet aty his and hen the worst came to the worst i could take the laptop into the study and connect it up to the modem.but this was just too much hastle so i gave up on it and just used the house PC. My poor laptop became no more that a music player and a typewriter really.

Then we got a new PCA. and this is an amazing PC. It's 3 times the size necessary with a 22 inch flat screen monitor and built in freeview. Way more than anyone could ever need...except maybe my Games Programmer friends. So i kept using the new computer and continued to use my laptop for music to play throughout the night...and occasionally if i wanted to type something up when my little sister was on the computer. Then Christmas came and the usual excitement of presents and i finally succumbed to technology and got an iPod. The poor laptop was once again shunned as i no longer needed it as a music player now that i had my iPod. I couldn't get new music onto the computer because i didn't have the internet, whih also meant i couldn't use my iPod with the computer because i couldn't update my iTunes.

There is a happy ending to this though as I now sit snuggled up in the comfort of my own room, with my duvet wrapped around me typing this ONLINE. Yes i have finally convinced my Dad to get Wireless internet in the house! Hallelujah.No more will me and my sister be fighting about using the computer all the time. No more creeping back into my room at 3am after late night MSN conversations with Jayne or Blair. :)

S'all good

Donuts, penguins and inner conflicts

so it's about 3 weeks into lent?...and i'm getting by alright. Have been bothering to eat a proper lunch most days and snacking on oak cookies, jam donuts and flapjacks instead of the usual sweets and chocolate, i know the donuts is hardly a healthier alternative but they're more filling that all the sweets i'd eat normally. Today i enjoyed a pancake at the Pancake Place without my usual maple syrup and butter but had jam instead. Still can't help but think sometimes how easy it would be just to go back to how i was eating before-not bothering with lunch and just snacking all day.

Edinburgh Zoo was the best day of my Edinburgh Zoo trip 2 weeks ago. Saw some absolutely beautiful animals. Favourite sights- watching the Gentoo penguins and their courtship rituals, the primates, the big cats and the cute sleepy koala. Ryan befriended a pair of crows and we found out April is taller than an African Water Hog...just. Being so close to these animals has made me so excited about this summer.

So i'm actually going. I'm going to Trinidad for the whole summer. 7 weeks to be exact. Doing conservation work through the university. Christie is coming too (to save me from too much homesickness). It hasn't quite set in yet that i'm going to be away for so long, or the fact that i'll be so far away, and well its a rainforest not a 3 star hotel so it's gonna be a lot more challenging than guide camp ever was but i'm up for it...i think.

Today's been a good day. I spent most of it in town with April and Ryan but I don't know, my emotions have been all over the place. A few relationships with friends are awkward, complicated and well strained just now. I'm pining for quite a few people that i don't have much contact with, some friends have just become so distant that i feel theres too much water undert the bridge there to fix things and then theres me having to face the fact that i'm not the only friend/companion/person in some of my friends lives and i need to get over the jealousy/trying to make things more than they actually are in my head. i know i'm being cryptic-just trying not to mention any names even though i doubt anyone reads the blog of a reletively uninteresting 19 year old.

nothing much else to say really....just over half way through Eclipse by Stephanie Meyers. got it this afternoon lol...i think i read too much and too fast. These books are just too addictive lol.

Pancakes, Lent and Exams

Okay so we've had the joys of pancake day in all its over eating pancakey-ness...which was awesome. Yesterday i was so sure i wasn't going to give up anything for Lent and stay stuck in this rather unhealthy and all round not very good lifestyle i've been in. I've not been doing to great spiritually, mentally or educationally lately and for a lot of it i've used the excuse of not being over my boyfriend, who i still love, but to be honest in terms of moving on i am slowly but because of the moping and the state i got myself into last year i've been snacking on far too many sweets at uni and just generally not paying much attention to what i'm eating.

Educationally, I'm starting to get better. Have found a way to help me concentrate in lectures-simply printing out the powerpoints and taking them to lectures has been a huge help in the past 2 weeks, revision is still a big problem. Had an exam today. It was faily easy and i think i did alright but while sitting in the library i realised i have no idea what works for me revising. This i shall have to sort out.

Spiritually, well thats a toughy. I've been attending church, but you don't get marks for just turning up. Most of this has been a lack of concentration, not having my priorities straight and i went through a long phase of doubting both myself and God. At first i saw my break up with Scott as God's fault. He'd been ill for a long time and i'd prayed to God to help him, I didn't see that Scott hads to figure that one out on his own and blamed God. He didn't cope, it put a strain on things and we split up. After that i went through a phase of thinking extremely negetively about myself and very low self esteem, doing some rather stupid things that i'm quite frankly ashamed and horrified at, and began to think that there was no point in God wasting his time on me, I'm not worth it and was quite frankly too lazy and set in my ways to make a change.

So to try and prove to myself that i can make a change for the better in my life I'm giving up all chocolate and sweets-some of my worst vices. I just think that i've needed to make changes for so long and the thought of Easter and Lent and the Crucifixion are kinda the kick up the backside i need. I need to prove to myself that even a tiny part of me is remotely close to being worthy of God because i sure don't feel like it.

Had a mid module exam today. It went better than i expected. No nasty molecular orbital questions...yay!!! Although i kind of understand them now.

Looking forward to a night in Edinburgh on Friday with April and Ryan... it's gonna be a stretch but i think i can just about afford it. Especially since i'm not gonna be stuffing my face with sweets. Going to the zoo, shopping, up Scotland's Shame and either the cinema or watching film's at Aprils' Should be fab. Haven't been to Edinburgh Zoo since I was like 10 or something and i love it there so much so i'm rather excited.

Anti-Valentines Weekend

So yeah i've had a bit of an anti-valentines weekend. It's a year ago this week that me and Scott split up... the 19th actually. It's been a rough year without him. It's quite scary feeling so secure and safe and then metaphorically being turfed out into the cold. Many a time have i felt lost, and incredibly lonely. I mean theres loneliness, like an every day kinda thing but there was so long that i just felt that no matter how happy i felt, there was still a huge chunk of me that was sad, and there was nothing i could do to change that. Don't get me wrong some of it was awesome though. It's just been strange having all these experiences good and bad and not having him to share them with. Even though i'm sure he's still there for me. It's not the same. I feel as if i can't go to him or speak to him because i have to learn how to get by on my own, or that he doesn'tr want to hear it, or that he'll freak out and think i'm trying to get him back.

I still love him, no doubt about that. But I've been talkiung to Jayne a lot and she talks sense lol. Her opinion, which i share, is that well love doesn't really die, it just changes.

So yeah i spent my Valentines Day hanging with Ally, wandering around town, then back to hers for a movie and the rugby. Spent the evening watching some films and just wallowing in happy memories. I have so much stuff that has just been hidden away for the past year because it reminded me of Scott: Jewellary, toys and other presents, photographs, videos etc so i brought some of it out from its drawer and just had a good old cry remembering all the laughs, and moments we shared. Even found my lightsaber that i bought on our holiday to Blackpool.

I think I'm getting to an alright place now. After trying to put a lot of things behind me at New Year, getting over crushes and making some pretty stupid mistakes along the way. I think i'm getting there.

Well Scott and Jayne are coming to mine at the weekend to hang out and have fun watching me attempt to cook lol.... Prawn and Tomato Spaghetti- i love that stuff! Should be good. I haven't just hung out with Scott at either of our houses since the summer holidays last year. We've been on nights out and at parties loads since then but it's not the same as just hangin out.

Anyhoo enough rambling on...i feel like gfoing to watch an episode or 2 of doctor who before i go to bed. night x

Torchwopod d ims 2-interesting combo

Well firstly hello...has been another mad week for me. Uni, Work, lack of playing pool and much randomness in lectures. Night out tonight yay....its my work night out but my mates are goin out tonight too so i'm goin to the meal wi my workmates then goin in town to meet the gang. Cant wait.

Woot advert for new torchwood...finally, i'm rather excited..looks interesting. Kindareminds me of the Sycorax but i dont think it will be judging by last time...

Have become a bit crazy about Sims 2 again...since i got the computer admin code off dad so i can ply it again...bloody Vista...how many times have its owners exclaimed that lol....anyhoo back to the story...s i made a faily for Jayne of ll my fave charatersfrom her fantastic world of Ravendale...

where all the interesting characters are mostly based on our mates.... also made a house of eight of my fabby best mates...

L-R- Craig,Jayne,Martin,Saz,Manby,Scott,Laura and Blair

so yeah so far: Blair and Jayne have fallen in love, Scott was begging for money by the side of the road until i made him get the paper and get a job, Manby was flirting with Martin in teh Rose garden, Laura and Blair had an arguement, Me and Craig slept in the same bed, Laura has taken up the drums, Scott has become quite a nature fanatic and is always wanting to buy new plants and trees.

The mansion is huge: 6 bedrooms, large kitchen and dining room with 3 fridges and cookers, music room, study, gym, games room, 4 bathrooms, veranda right around the outside the house, extensive living room with large fireplace, large swimming pool, 5 swingsand a rose garden.lol Its awesome...more pictures soon and i'll keep writing what the gang are up to.

Grrrr

I probably sound rather childish right now being a 19 year old ranting to her parents how unfair they are being...i'm basically in a strop because for the second weekend in a row they won't give me a lift home this evening from my friend Blairs who lives in a village about 3 miles out into the country (and he can't get to mine today because he's looking after the house). I have no problem with walking up there. It takes an hour but it's a nice walk. I do that normally...however they won't let me walk home in the dark, not that i'd want to and i have no money for a taxi and well buses are unpreditable out there on a weekday let alone a sundasy so once again i'm stuck at home with nothing to do.

Mum doesn't like driving the country roads at night and dad is oging out to a talk at church tonight from 6 till 8...i just don't see how he can't come and get me after his talk. It's not hugely out of the way really and he'd be home by 9pm. I know it sounds like sisterly jealousy but well my sister started work this week up at Dobbies, which isn't really far from the 2 after school clubs where i work and she's had a lift home 3 out of 5 nights this week(and i always walk home from work except if i'm at Seaview in the winter), and a lift home from her s5/s6 ceilidh which was at the gym next to her work...to be fair from there its only about a 10-15 minute walk home...yet she's had all those lifts and i have had none at all in the past 2 weeks apart from one this morning for my music practice at church.

My parents really get on my nerves, mind you i guess everyone else's does...but i feel as if they're still trying to treat me like a 15 year old. Yes, i know i should be driving by now and trust me, they've lectured me about it too but to be fair i can barely afford my lunches every day at uni let alone petrol for a car...or to move out, which i really really want to do.

Other Rants of the day-

Dad's done something to the computer...i think he's changed the admin password...and its vista so i can't download anything without it...or play sims might i add because it asks for it everytime the disc tries to autorun....grrrr.

I wish i had more money...oh no ot loads lol all i want is 50p so i can buy chocolate this afternoon instead of having to constantly think of how to stretch the grand total of £5 i have to last me till i get payed. Albeit it only has to go towards my lunches and snacks at uni until i get payed on thursday but still it's amazin how little that'll get ya lol.

Good Things-

Have found a way to escape boredom-might be goin for a walk along to Sainsburys this afternoon with Ally.

Drew a pretty picture of Gerard Butler in 300.http://red-devil-saz.deviantart.com/art/This-Is-Sparta-110566622

He's pretty lol

Madness and Tickets

Wow it's been a crazy week... If i've not been in lectures i've been in meetings or trying to waste time before going to meetings. Involved in organising a fundraising lecture at University for a trip i may or may not be going on this summer to Trinidad to do conservation work with Tropical Birds namely the Blue and Gold Macaws...which is awesome because i love Macaws.

So yeah it's all go trying to sell tickets for the event which means pestering a lot of friends and family although i'm slightly scared...soemone i emailed has passed the message on and i just got a request for 10 tickets.... i only have 40 on my person to sell just now lol. It's been action Stations though and i'm feeling a tad stressed out.

Sometimes i think it was a little too much taking this on as well as having to deal with work, uni coursework and helping at brownies but really although it stresses me out it keeps me busy i guess. Better than sitting around doing nothing.

Typical Saz-i've gone all puppy-love over a guy...another one? i hear you cry. Yup i've mentioned him before but i just can't help it Ryan's just really funny and sweet and tall. lol.

Anyhoo i shall finish this later as i gots to go get ready for brownies before ma tea cos i want to watch the last episode of Come Dine With Me...which i shall also chat about i thinks.lol

Back to Reality

Sigh....back to university tomorrow

well i am slightly excited i mean i get to see Christie, Ryan and April again, who I have missed soooooo much during the last few weeks... we have a nice wee group goin on now...slightly larger than my wee college gang last year which, in the end was just me, Shaun and Christie with guest appearences from Danielle, Robert and Ryan C (who made a swift exit after the first few months). We were a good wee team though... It's really nice to have Christie with me in classes still, although she's taking a different module to me this term so it shall be strange after being in lectures together for so long... Shaun is awesome but smelly and went straight into second year so i don't see him very muchly...not as often as i'd like for certain. I miss having him to talk to, a lot. He was always a fabby listener on our walks into town from college and he's probably the only person that reads this...actually i dont even know if he does.

I get a nice wee break from work for the next two weeks...didn't have my timetable in time for the January avaliability so i dont have any shifts for the next two weeks. Will give me time to spend with the gang after lectures even though it means a little less cash for a while. Need to remeber to start saving.

One of my best mates Blair and I have decided to go on holiday together next summer to celebrate our 21st birthday's next year so we're going to spend a few nights in London and Paris seeing shows and being all touristy. Have already started planning where to go for our 25th lol....were discussing the possibility of going to Athens in 2015 since we're both interested in greek mythology...

All's not too bad just now...have had some surreal moments in the past week, some strange conversations i was not expecting...still struggling to be less of a floozy lol.

didn't manage to alter my sleeping pattern before going back to uni so tomorrow morning will be interesting....mind you i'm getting better.was up at 9.45 this morning....fingers crossed i can get up for 7 tomorrow

i'd better get to bed anyhoo...iPod's all charged ready for the bus tomorrow s'all good

night night

Saz xxxx

Feeling like a slob

I hate housework....i've spent most of the afternoon tidying my room. I hate how when you think you've got the worst of it done then find another drawer or cupboard that needs done. My room's always a pig sty...i keep the rest of the house tidy but for some reason my room is always a complete tip...but its like that whole organised chaos thing...although its a tip i can still find most things in it.

I hate doing the dishes as well Dad has this thing about making me and my little sister do the dishes on a sunday night. I honestly think that he sees it as a way of making us get along or co-operate but to be honest thats where most of our arguements happen these days.

Actually i don't mind doing the dishes at work, thats the only time. It's quiet in the cupboard that we have for a kitchen. The kids arent allowed in there so it's nice and quiet...and we always do them at about 5pm which is when most of the children get picked up...so you go in there with maybe 25 kids makin a racket outside, do the dishes, and come out to find there are 6 left, playing quietly plus there are tins of sweets from the parents for christmas so we can have a wee munch as we work.Lol and i does like my sweeties...

New Year New Saz...

This shall most likely be editted later as i could go on for ages but i do have work this afternoon.Yeah so it's the start of 2009 and i've set myself some high expectations for this year, maybe to high but I kinda need to set them high to get past alot of what happened to me last year.

Sooo lets begin at the start of 2008...began blissfully happy at a party at my friend Craig's house with all my best friend and my fantastic boyfriend Scott, who i adored and loved with all my heart. He was everything to me and made my life so happy.February, Valentines Day was a friday and we couldnt plan anything cos i had Brownie's in the evening so we planned a weekend at his. The Sunday night i sensed he wasnt happy and we had an odd convo, badly timed cos i had to go home. By the Tuesday it was over and I was devistated. So many things had come out in that conversation that Scott had kept bottled up and i couldn't bear to face them even though i could see the changes happening. He had been a broken man for some time and in the process of breaking up with me he made me a broken person too.

I spent so much of the year drifting through life, not really living it. Oh don't get me wrong there were some fantastic times, i laughed and loved and had fun but all the time there was an undertone of sadness that followed me everywhere i went. It was my friends that got me through. Now i really have the most amazing friends ever. Jayne and Shaun held me together, listened to my ramblings and cheered me up again, Ally took me away from the situation, out of the country and showed me i could have fun without guys lol.There were some other minor incidents, involving guys lol...as always when with me. I had a few lucky escapes lol, namely involving a guy from college who seemed to see me as a piece of meat, oh he dumped his girlfriend for m,e, but when i said i didnt want him he went straight back to her. Then there was the friend with the girlfriend that i kinda had a fling for for a bit but that's dead and gone now. There was the engaged friend in the troubled relationship who i had been crazy for even before Scott came along, nothing ever happened with that except a few games of strip poker lol....then there was the old flame. He'd been through some tough times, his girlfriend left him in the summer and his Dad got taken into hospital and he was so alone, in a sense we comforted each other. We were each other's rebounds i guess. It felt like that scene out of the Notebook with Martha and whats his face, the guy. Well anyway that lasted about a month or so, casual likes, then we moved on.Thats enough of the bad points of last year-

the good points :

College-the best thing thats possibly ever happened to me apart from Scott, it brought out a new side of me i think, i began working hard again after the disaster (academically) that was 6th year. Also introduced me to 2 of my best friends Christie- who is now at University with me and we're much closer than we were at college. and Shaun- who has always been a great support to me, looking out for me, defending me, walking with me, and gorging on doughnuts after class.

Summer- holidays to London, with my parents, and Cyprus with Ally really made my summer great. I love Cyprus now, its such a beautiful island, so warm, if i ever moved abroad i think that would be where i'd go.

Work- same as ever this year in the After Schgool club, o be honest i think the team that's there now is the strongest it's been since i started work there. They're fantastic.

My friends- well i've drifted from some friends, and become so much closer to others. Its been fantastic. My group of friends from school has gone through so much changes in the last year and although it's changed so much i think we're still strong...

Uni- started university finally, doing Biomedical Sciences and i already have my wee Gnag, Christie, Ryan , April and me are a wee team. Ryan is funny, tall sarcastic, lets me win at Pool and owns my soul apparently (due to a stunt he pulled involving a friendship contract lol) April is a pint sized girl witha huuuge character ho is a lot like me...we think exactly the same things sometimes, she loves the same animes as me and we have been known to come in to uni dressed verrry similar. Christie is the same as ever-she doesn't talk about herself a lot but she listens so well. She even let me stay at hers during Freshers week when we were partying together. Sadly we wont have all our lectures together this semester as shes taking 1 different module from me.

So New Year-new Saz. No more looking back on the past, no more getting upset by what happened or wishing things turned out differently. Good things are on the horizons. Romance possibly. Found out just before the holidays that one of my friends from university fancies me, so April has bestowed upon herself the title of matchmaker and says she's gonna get us together before Valentines Day lol. I'll keep you posted on how that turns out.... thats it fr just now really...
Currently-Keeping up with my Artwork on Deviantart http://www.red-devil-saz.deviantart.com/
Learning new music on my guitar again
Getting lots of new music for my iPod
Trying to keep ahead of my Dad on Wii bowling
Getting into a really bad holiday sleep pattern of staying up till 2am and not getting up till 11am...must break that before i go back to uni

Speak soon Saz xxx