Pancakes, Lent and Exams

Okay so we've had the joys of pancake day in all its over eating pancakey-ness...which was awesome. Yesterday i was so sure i wasn't going to give up anything for Lent and stay stuck in this rather unhealthy and all round not very good lifestyle i've been in. I've not been doing to great spiritually, mentally or educationally lately and for a lot of it i've used the excuse of not being over my boyfriend, who i still love, but to be honest in terms of moving on i am slowly but because of the moping and the state i got myself into last year i've been snacking on far too many sweets at uni and just generally not paying much attention to what i'm eating.

Educationally, I'm starting to get better. Have found a way to help me concentrate in lectures-simply printing out the powerpoints and taking them to lectures has been a huge help in the past 2 weeks, revision is still a big problem. Had an exam today. It was faily easy and i think i did alright but while sitting in the library i realised i have no idea what works for me revising. This i shall have to sort out.

Spiritually, well thats a toughy. I've been attending church, but you don't get marks for just turning up. Most of this has been a lack of concentration, not having my priorities straight and i went through a long phase of doubting both myself and God. At first i saw my break up with Scott as God's fault. He'd been ill for a long time and i'd prayed to God to help him, I didn't see that Scott hads to figure that one out on his own and blamed God. He didn't cope, it put a strain on things and we split up. After that i went through a phase of thinking extremely negetively about myself and very low self esteem, doing some rather stupid things that i'm quite frankly ashamed and horrified at, and began to think that there was no point in God wasting his time on me, I'm not worth it and was quite frankly too lazy and set in my ways to make a change.

So to try and prove to myself that i can make a change for the better in my life I'm giving up all chocolate and sweets-some of my worst vices. I just think that i've needed to make changes for so long and the thought of Easter and Lent and the Crucifixion are kinda the kick up the backside i need. I need to prove to myself that even a tiny part of me is remotely close to being worthy of God because i sure don't feel like it.

Had a mid module exam today. It went better than i expected. No nasty molecular orbital questions...yay!!! Although i kind of understand them now.

Looking forward to a night in Edinburgh on Friday with April and Ryan... it's gonna be a stretch but i think i can just about afford it. Especially since i'm not gonna be stuffing my face with sweets. Going to the zoo, shopping, up Scotland's Shame and either the cinema or watching film's at Aprils' Should be fab. Haven't been to Edinburgh Zoo since I was like 10 or something and i love it there so much so i'm rather excited.

Anti-Valentines Weekend

So yeah i've had a bit of an anti-valentines weekend. It's a year ago this week that me and Scott split up... the 19th actually. It's been a rough year without him. It's quite scary feeling so secure and safe and then metaphorically being turfed out into the cold. Many a time have i felt lost, and incredibly lonely. I mean theres loneliness, like an every day kinda thing but there was so long that i just felt that no matter how happy i felt, there was still a huge chunk of me that was sad, and there was nothing i could do to change that. Don't get me wrong some of it was awesome though. It's just been strange having all these experiences good and bad and not having him to share them with. Even though i'm sure he's still there for me. It's not the same. I feel as if i can't go to him or speak to him because i have to learn how to get by on my own, or that he doesn'tr want to hear it, or that he'll freak out and think i'm trying to get him back.

I still love him, no doubt about that. But I've been talkiung to Jayne a lot and she talks sense lol. Her opinion, which i share, is that well love doesn't really die, it just changes.

So yeah i spent my Valentines Day hanging with Ally, wandering around town, then back to hers for a movie and the rugby. Spent the evening watching some films and just wallowing in happy memories. I have so much stuff that has just been hidden away for the past year because it reminded me of Scott: Jewellary, toys and other presents, photographs, videos etc so i brought some of it out from its drawer and just had a good old cry remembering all the laughs, and moments we shared. Even found my lightsaber that i bought on our holiday to Blackpool.

I think I'm getting to an alright place now. After trying to put a lot of things behind me at New Year, getting over crushes and making some pretty stupid mistakes along the way. I think i'm getting there.

Well Scott and Jayne are coming to mine at the weekend to hang out and have fun watching me attempt to cook lol.... Prawn and Tomato Spaghetti- i love that stuff! Should be good. I haven't just hung out with Scott at either of our houses since the summer holidays last year. We've been on nights out and at parties loads since then but it's not the same as just hangin out.

Anyhoo enough rambling on...i feel like gfoing to watch an episode or 2 of doctor who before i go to bed. night x

Torchwopod d ims 2-interesting combo

Well firstly hello...has been another mad week for me. Uni, Work, lack of playing pool and much randomness in lectures. Night out tonight yay....its my work night out but my mates are goin out tonight too so i'm goin to the meal wi my workmates then goin in town to meet the gang. Cant wait.

Woot advert for new torchwood...finally, i'm rather excited..looks interesting. Kindareminds me of the Sycorax but i dont think it will be judging by last time...

Have become a bit crazy about Sims 2 again...since i got the computer admin code off dad so i can ply it again...bloody Vista...how many times have its owners exclaimed that lol....anyhoo back to the story...s i made a faily for Jayne of ll my fave charatersfrom her fantastic world of Ravendale...

where all the interesting characters are mostly based on our mates.... also made a house of eight of my fabby best mates...

L-R- Craig,Jayne,Martin,Saz,Manby,Scott,Laura and Blair

so yeah so far: Blair and Jayne have fallen in love, Scott was begging for money by the side of the road until i made him get the paper and get a job, Manby was flirting with Martin in teh Rose garden, Laura and Blair had an arguement, Me and Craig slept in the same bed, Laura has taken up the drums, Scott has become quite a nature fanatic and is always wanting to buy new plants and trees.

The mansion is huge: 6 bedrooms, large kitchen and dining room with 3 fridges and cookers, music room, study, gym, games room, 4 bathrooms, veranda right around the outside the house, extensive living room with large fireplace, large swimming pool, 5 swingsand a rose garden.lol Its awesome...more pictures soon and i'll keep writing what the gang are up to.